Teaching one of my favourite models on listening yesterday, I was impressed by someone identifying that their feelings were an important factor in how well they listened. Why? Because mood affects cognition as well as interest and therefore, how well they paid attention. Having understood that, she was still surprised how hard it is to actually listen well, even when she was focused. In her words:

I thought I was listening to learn, but in fact, I was listening to prove myself right!

Listening is one of the most undervalued and under-practiced skills in any organisation, yet it is essential for team work, problem-solving and building relationships. As demonstrated above, one challenge is that while we often believe we are listening, we are actually defending our own position, or preparing our next argument.

In this case, the person was listening in order to point out how the other person was wrong. Although this felt satisfying in the moment, it didn’t help build connection with the other person. It also didn’t help her address any of the underlying issues. The good news is, it’s never too late and her new awareness now allows her to get better at it going forward.

True listening requires attention, focus, and a conscious effort to understand the other person’s perspective. But most importantly, effective listening really happens when it is recognised by the person speaking.  To do this well, we don’t just have to listen, we have to make them feel listened to…

The Challenges of Listening

Listening is more than just hearing words—it requires processing tone, body language, and context. It demands significant mental energy, and both external and internal distractions can make it difficult. Our brains often have their own agenda, leading us to selectively listen or focus more on position than understanding the other’s. To make it harder – we can actually think faster than anyone can talk, so it’s no surprise we get caught up in our own thinking. Let’s face it, listening is tough!

Elements of Effective Listening

To listen better, we need both the skillset and the mindset to make other’s feel heard.  To start with, effective listening involves a combination of verbal and non-verbal approaches:

  1. Focus & Attention: Engaging fully with the speaker, minimising distractions.
  2. Non-Verbal Cues: Nodding, smiling, and maintaining eye contact show receptiveness.
  3. Verbal Recognition: Techniques such as summarising, paraphrasing, and reflecting back really help to confirm understanding.
  4. Self-awareness: Being aware of what we are focusing on and how available we are to listen will then help us stay focused, and importantly, catch ourselves when we are not.

By practicing these elements, we strengthen relationships, improve workplace communication, reduce misunderstandings, de-escalate conflict and foster trust. This is harder than it seems, especially as many of us have learned to fake the first two points above. Therefore, by focusing on the third point, verbally reflecting back what we have heard not only ensures the other person you’ve listened, it also gives you both time to think and check what is actually being talked about.

To get better at this, it is useful to notice what happens when we listen to others. One way of doing this is to use the Listening Spectrum to raise awareness of our own listening habits.

The Listening Spectrum

Listening occurs on a spectrum, ranging from closed and judgmental listening to open and empathetic listening:

  1. Closed Listening: Dismissive and uninterested.
  2. Pretend Listening: Surface-level acknowledgement without true comprehension.
  3. Confirmation Listening: Listening to refute rather than understand.
  4. Selective Listening: Picking out details relevant to one’s own interests.
  5. Attentive Listening: Fully engaged and tracking the narrative.
  6. Empathetic Listening: Identifying emotions, values, and perspectives – the things not spoken.

The difference between these last two is tricky. Listening Empathically is when we identify things that are important to the other person that they may not necessarily have said.  If someone complains emphatically about something, for example, how their boss took up all the time in the meeting, the empathic listener will notice their frustration and disappointment and even the need for fairness and inclusion that they were seeking. While empathic listening is not always essential, being able to demonstrate empathy under pressure is a skill that anyone can develop. On top of that, being an attentive and empathetic listener is a low-cost way to create a more inclusive and productive workplace.

To help better understand these different levels, visit my video on the Listening Spectrum. Increasing your awareness of HOW you listen is the first step to getting better at it.

Applying Empathetic Listening

Many assume they are listening when they are actually strategising a response. This happens more often during difficult conversations. By consciously shifting toward empathetic listening in meetings, whether that be one-to-one or in teams, people can collaborate more effectively. To help you get better at Empathic Listening:

  • Summarise the key points, and any needs or values you may have heard.
  • Use active body language—maintain eye contact and nod.
  • Suspend your own agenda and focus on understanding, not defending.
  • Validate the other person’s emotions without judgment, using phrases like, “It sounds like you’re feeling…”

Conclusion

Listening isn’t just about processing information and understanding what is being said – it is also about making the speaker feel understood. By fostering a culture of open, empathetic communication, organisations can build stronger teams, improve relationships, and create a more inclusive workplace.