Susan Jeffers struck a nerve when she wrote “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.” Fear, like guilt, has its place—but not every fear deserves obedience. Not walking on cliff edges for fear of falling off can be a reasonable fear to pay attention to, but that fear of presentations may no longer be serving you. It’s a bit of a tight-rope, especially as fear can feel so strong in our bodies – how are we meant to know when to follow it or not?
It’s likely that fear can keep us from doing things that might actually help us. This can include asking for a raise, standing up to the boss, calling out bad behaviour. Sometimes the fear we carry doesn’t serve us or the people around us. Sometimes fear is there to be felt, but not to rule us. Like many of her readers, I think Susan was onto something. And perhaps fear isn’t the only emotion we need to treat with some scepticism.
What about guilt? Guilt can help us become better humans, but does it always serve us? 🤔
In Avengers: Endgame, Tony Stark promises Pepper that she now comes first. Just as he contemplates removing his power source, fate intervenes—Doctor Strange appears through a time-hole and urges him to help save humanity. Does Stark respond with, “Sorry mate, I made a promise?” Of course not. Does Pepper get furious? Absolutely. But he acts. Is it a perfect decision? No, but he doesn’t let the guilt stand in the way of a bigger calling…
Maybe this isn’t quite the stakes you have to deal with on a day to day, but what if guilt sometimes is the thing that gets you stuck?
Perhaps you are not being called on to save the world from a murderous titan; maybe it’s an exciting opportunity when you promised your family a weekend away? That moment when you have wanted to do something but didn’t want to renege on a promise. Or maybe it’s just a niggling guilt. Let’s go through some examples and see where you end up:
- You promised your best friend, you’d read at their kids Bar Mitzvah, but now your mother is ill and you need to go to her. Which do you choose, loyalty or care?
- Recently a friend’s wife was hospitalised just before he was about to go to an award ceremony (where he was getting an honour). He nearly didn’t go, but she stabilised enough for him to leave at the hospital. Would you do the same?
- Your kids expect you to be home for dinner with them as it’s your regular family night together, but your boss asks you to stay. This is a rare clash, and not something your boss often does and you know its important. You could go either way, but someone is going to be disappointed. Do you choose Company or Family?
- You have organised to meet your friend who is visiting from out of town, you have got tickets to a great event they would love but now a colleague has fallen ill and you are the only one who can cover for them for a critical presentation. What do you do?
- Your kids are entering high school which they are looking forward to and you have been offered your dream job, but it means re-locating. Your partner will have to move away from their family too. What do you do?
Clearly these are individual cases and some people will have no problem deciding, while for many, it will not be easy.
Reviewing the above scenarios, what do you notice? In most cases, someone is going to be let down – is it you or the other person? What’s the pattern? While it makes sense to look after others, but is that what life really wants from you? [i]
Perhaps you have your own dilemma – It might not be saving the world, but maybe you are saving your own world:
Do you quit the job you hate making you more dependent on your spouse?
Do you start your own business even though it means potentially not getting your kids their own room as soon as you would like?
How do you navigate these questions? Are you curious about the place of obligation and guilt in your life? Is there a building sense of discomfort with what you’re settling for? Perhaps guilt is in the driving seat and now it is time to take the wheel back? To quip Susan Jeffers, maybe you need to Feel the Guilt and do it anyway?
From a systemic perspective, guilt is a sign that a contract has been broken. Groups have implicit as well as explicit contracts that we adhere to or risk exclusion. This can show up as laws that have punishments, but also as cultural codes of conduct, like whether you take your shoes off when you enter a house. When either of these are transgressed, guilt arises as a signal to keep us inside the group. However, it is also possible that we hang on to rules and codes of a group (and the subsequent guilt), even when the group we are trying to serve is no longer what serves us.
One that I have seen come up is staying at a friend’s house – do you help yourself to a drink, or do you wait? In my family system, it is a sign of comfort that guests would “help themselves” but for some people, that is not what they do. And you can imagine while both approaches are well meaning, one may seem rude to the other. And when we change systems or contexts, and try to fit in, its likely we may also feel guilty, especially if fitting in means breaking an old family rule.
My teacher Judith Hemming used to say, “For a reforming ex-pick-pocket, walking past a fat wallet and not taking it can feel like a betrayal – even though it is the right thing to do…”
It is possible that we have taken rules, codes and assumptions about how we should do things that may no longer serve us – but trying to go against them makes us feel guilty, and so we remain in old habits.
Don’t get me wrong, guilt is a useful emotion – but there are times when it is appropriate for you to “Feel the Guilt, and Do It Anyway.”
Coaching can help—feel free to reach out. I offer systemic coaching that can give you insights into the ways guilt may serve and where it may hinder you. We can explore what your life could look like if you chose clarity over compromise.
[i] Perhaps our culture is a little too individualistic these days and so it’s right to keep other’s happy, but this is another blog…!