Of all the coaching challenges that I come across when working with a leader’s self-doubt, is the question – “Am I right for this?”
First, how we respond matters
While seemingly valid, this question can be paralysing. Firstly, we often ask it rhetorically – with the answer “No” already firmly in mind. This judgement then influences any further thinking about ourselves – and we end up even more convinced that we are not right for the job/opportunity/relationship… And research suggests this happens more so for women than men, but none of us are immune.
It is unavoidable
Secondly – it’s an inevitable question that will naturally arise before doing anything new. Nothing can fully prepare us for taking on a new challenge. It is only when we actually take on the new challenge that we really understand what is involved. For example, we can read all the parenting books we like, listen to all the advice we can handle, and then when our child is screaming at 2am for the fiftieth night in a row – something else kicks in, something we couldn’t have prepared for. In short, nothing prepares us for parenting like parenting. And unfortunately, the lessons learned from the first child don’t often translate to child two, and so on. One promotion doesn’t make us fully ready for the second promotion… The truth is, we will never know how ready we are until we are actually doing it…
It is self reinforcing
And here lies the third problem, and it is the main reason imposter syndrome can feel so debilitating. When we face the unknown, we find reassurance in clinging to what we already know. This places us in a double-bind: As we edge closer to the new thing, the more our fear increases, and so the more we find comfort in the certainty of our own assumptions. The belief that “I am not good enough,” starts to feel reassuring, and so we get even more attached to it. This then holds us back from taking the next step. The butterflies in out tummy serve as queasy re-enforcement that we are not ready and would be better off hold ourselves back. This, in turn, makes us hesitate. And the most challenging part of all, is that part of this thinking is true – we are not yet ready… And so we get stuck. The most important thing to remember here is that we never will be ready – and no amount of waiting, reading, rehearsing will make you perfectly “ready.” At some point we have to go. We just have to decide to do it, despite the uneasy feeling of being unready.
I am not saying skills and experience don’t matter, they do. The problem is, most people are not accurate at assessing their own competence, often underestimating their value. Of course, some people over estimate their value and this can be very annoying, or make for some good “car-crash” TV (ever seen The Apprentice?) However, chances are you wouldn’t be reading this far if this was you…
Full preparation is impossible
The other thing that can be misleading is that it is impossible to recreate the entire experience of the new thing, like the promotion, ahead of time. There is no simulator that can totally introduce you to the complete experience in a way that the actual promotion will do. My son and I recently went on a flight simulator at a science museum – it was great fun! And although it spun around and dipped and dived and had an amazing visual display – there was no wind, no gravity, no actual sound of engines vibrating… At some point, we have to realise we are incomplete in our preparedness. At some point we just have to get into the pilot’s seat for real.
Now what?
Therefore, what we need to learn to do, is to hold our own discomfort. If we wait for it to go away, we will be waiting forever. It turns out that what we really dislike is not the thing itself, but the feelings of fear that get evoked in us: the jitters, the queasiness, the loss of control, the shortness of breath, the dizzy head… Why would we want to subject ourselves to that? No thank you! Strangely, these things can be experienced even before we do the thing we are afraid of. Imagine you have just been asked to do something you fear, perhaps you have been chosen to do a talk tomorrow in front of hundreds of people, including celebrity judges, famous actors and politicians – and you will have to get it done before dinner time. What happens to you? Already, it’s the anticipation, the build-up, feels worse than the actual thing itself. We’re often avoiding the fears as much as the thing itself.
The way through this is to start getting used to the feelings, and learning to be kind to ourselves as they arise. My experience, echoed by many professional actors, is that the fear doesn’t go away, we all still get nervous before going on stage (Robbie Williams is said to have been sick just ahead of his big stage shows). Therefore, what we need to support ourselves with the feelings arising in imposter syndrome and know they part of the deal. We need to ask ourselves, are these fears really going to reduce over time, or am I just putting them off. I am avoiding the feelings, or the thing? Once we learn to stop avoiding the feelings, or even embrace them, then we can start taking the steps we need to. then and the feelings of discomfort that reinforce it is a sense of detachment, alongside a heavy dose of self-compassion and self-soothing.
How do we do it?
Start small and be patient with yourself. Sometimes just acknowledging the fear as normal can be a big step. This also encourages detachment, and from there we have more choice. Unfortunately, what many of us do when we first feel uncomfortable is to judge ourselves for it. This makes things worse – now we are not only feeling discomfort, we are criticising ourselves for being “out of control” or “not good enough…” No wonder we want to back away! And this keeps us stuck.
The first step, once we are aware of our discomfort, is acceptance. We can even embrace the uncomfortable feelings. This is can feel like an incredibly counter-intuitive move, yet it is also one of the kindest things we can do to ourselves. Instead of chastising ourselves for being inadequate, imagine being compassionate towards ourselves. Isn’t this what we really need? If we can notice the feelings of discomfort arrive, the most supportive thing we can do is to welcome the feelings. Once we start to do that, we can start to hold ourselves through the natural experience of imposter syndrome. And with enough practice, we can stop turning away from it, and start to welcome it in. As we learn to do this, we can lean into our challenges, rather than back away from them.
And from there, the world is your oyster!
If this was interesting to you, please share it.
If you want to know more, I explore this more in my Trigger Toolkit article which you can get for signing up to my newsletter here.
And if you are wanting to support yourself to take on your next challenge, I offer one-to-one coaching.
Finally, there is also a programme for women to explore this together, starting the 5th of June 2026. You can sign up here.
