Take it OR Leave it? How to Navigate Ambivalence

Ok, this week’s is a biggy! And I’m only scratching the surface.

I had some great conversations over the last month. One of them was talking with a friend about her locally organised street party in Brixton – and the WhatsApp messages (yes, we’ve all been there…) It got her worrying – “if we can’t get along in our neighbourhoods, how are we going to get along as a planet?”

Now, (spoiler alert) I don’t have the answers to this question. However, in today’s blog, I unearth potential avenues to help us navigate this big, scary and beautiful world.

In counter-point to my last blog on time, here I am exploring ways we might resource ourselves amidst the often-felt pressures of “not enough time.” And how, with everything else on our plates, not to mention the world scene, the pressure of time feels ever-heightened.

Anecdotally, I know I can go from feeling overwhelmed to inspired; powerless to committed; grief-stricken to joyous – and sometimes all in equal measure. Let’s call it Ambivalence.

I used to think that ambivalence was a state of “not caring” – but today I use the word to encompass the conflicting yet simultaneous feelings, such as the disgust and admiration we may have for a clever baddie – remember this guy?

Maybe I am a nutter, but I think these conflicting feelings are valid responses to engaging with the world we currently face.  

For context, here are some of my recent touches:

• I have been to an alternative artist community, Ruigoord, and danced and dialogued with people seriously investing in making the world a safer, more sustainable place.
• Delivered a powerful but ancient story, Parsifal, to one of the world’s largest building materials companies who are aiming to be carbon net zero by 2050 (no mean feat given they have smelters going 24/7 since the 1970s!).
• Facilitated systemic constellations to leaders who are learning to hold their own discomfort amidst their increasingly unpredictable work challenges.
• Taken timeout on a retreat in Cornwall.
• Listened to some stimulating talks at London’s School of Economics “How to Save the Planet” festival.  Speakers were exploring where policy meets pragmatism and innovation – and been amazed by some of the research.
• And spent time camping with my son watching the sunset on the west coast of Devon.

And in all these events, the juxtaposition of beauty and optimism with fear and grief was incredible. At times I felt like I was walking on a precipice between joy and misery.

Am I alone in this? I think not…

Ke Garne?*

To answer this, I’ll name some of the underlying dynamics as I have experienced them. From there, I’ll have a go at the important question: How do we stay resourced in an ever-changing world that is full of paradox, simultaneously exciting and terrifying?

Like an amateur sleuth, here are some of pieces of the puzzle that I notice (please add, destroy or riff-off any of the below):

1. It is the people that we love that we also hate the most – and sometimes these feelings co-exist. This creates an uncomfortable complexity to our human relationships. See this article for an alternative view of Ambivalence.
2. When our attempts to express love or support are rejected, it hurts more than if we didn’t try. When our good intentions are thwarted, it creates bitterness. Our excitement paves the way for our disappointment.
3. These moments don’t just disappear, they often get replaced by the next astounding thing, leaving us discombobulated and uncomfortable.
4. Naming the truth of a difficult time tends to settle things rather than create more panic – which for some, is ironic.
5. That in all these situations, with enough holding, people can find a way to make a difference and counter the overwhelm that often feels like an inevitable struggle of these times.
6. Our choices to act, to say yes or no, however small, give people a sense of control.

These things are important.

And learning to sit with the discomfort that comes with them is probably one of the best things we can do. The reality is, we often can’t do any more than that anyway. (A bit like that spicy Indian curry that we ate too quickly).

Of course, we can do something radical, like break the relationship or whatever feels like it will give us relief. We distract ourselves with all kinds of activities, things, or processes. And these things have their place. However, in the end, they often don’t create the peace that we are deeply seeking.

Now I don’t want to minimise the need for systems change, and the metamorphosis that we need to go through to evolve out of the system we are in. Yet, there are ways we can support ourselves, and become beacons of sanity for each other, especially as the world we know crumples in its functionality. Here are just a few snippets of how that dysfunction is showing up in my world:

• Infrastructure at breaking point: Train cancellations due to heat, staff shortages or other problems. This is more common than ten years ago.
• Public Funding collapse: My son’s school losing another staff member: this time their part time PE teacher, with the classroom teachers now absorbing that subject into their class
• Global Disruption: Flight cancellations – I have had this happen twice this year
• Squeezed margins: Staff turnover in my frequented venues, alongside increased prices with smaller portions
• Bureaucratic thickening: More admin to do things both in-person and online with the increase of MFAs and security protocols
• Automated Interactions: More chat bots, and less people to actually talk to when any of the above go wrong, as they are doing at a greater rate. Like the NHS reception bot that doesn’t hear your name right…!
• Living costs soaring: General price increases across the board from bills and food prices to car and travel costs with no real wage increases for me over the past 15 years (see Graph)

Fun times!

All of these are indeed first world problems – but doing the things I did for work and pleasure ten years ago require dealing with more unforeseen hiccups, admin and costs relative to what they used to. And this is not going to change any time soon.

Margaret Wheatley wrote a book many years ago called So Far From Home, and now I see what she was writing about all around us. Her plea? To create islands of sanctuary for those around us when things get tough. Our neighbours, our colleagues, our friends and family.

And here is yet another paradox: Challenges make us stronger, I know this. That doesn’t make it easy. But we can’t get better at this without them. In fact, I wonder if this time is really all about that: Giving us the grist to sharpen our awareness, widen our horizons and ultimately, increase our capacity to love.

Again, this doesn’t make it easy.

Nor do I mean that we can do it without help. Or without community. Far from it.

In fact, we need each other more than ever.  As the intermediation of technology invades community groups and settings – one thing we need more, just as we lose more of it, is the support of those around us. I know the AI evangelists would have us believe otherwise, but I don’t think AI is going to add one bit of contentment to the human race.

And how do we do this as even neighbourhoods become more divisive? What happened last month in Northern Ireland was a flash point of what is hinted at in conversations across the country, like my friend’s, if not the world.

“Those people…”

“Can you believe…”

“I am not going to stand for…”

Even the litter left on the street can be a cause of righteous indignation.

So how do we fill our lives with dignity and peace, when there is so much to “lose our shit over”?

It’s almost like there is no other sensible response than disgust and frustration – at the system, at the “other side”, at the government, even at our neighbours.

And yet, where does that leave us?

What does it take to not bite? To not dump all the frustration? What are the ways we can bear the loss and the horror of so much, while being generous and caring with our energy. This is no small feat.

Here are a couple of ideas – and I am going to be exploring this more. We need tools that enlarge our capacity for holding polarity, ambivalence and rage now more than ever. And I’d love your input – I know this is a global project.

1. Discernment – identify what really is within my control to change at this point? As my article on time suggests – when we focus on it passing, we miss what we can actually do.
2. Mapping Polarisation – like the yin-yang, finding the little dots of “the other” in ourselves, or seeing the little bit of ourselves in the other. (I have written about this elsewhere.)
3. Hanlon’s Razor – attributing ignorance, or lack of awareness, to some other person’s “disdainful” actions, rather than malice. Maybe they don’t hate you, they simply didn’t know… I remember a mediation I did when someone upstairs would cut carrots at 10pm. The other party thought they were doing it “just to piss me off!” It turned out the reality was that not only was it the only time this person had to cook, they had no idea that the chopping noise carried through the floor!
4. Take a Pause – notice your response and see if it is indeed helping or hindering the overall situation.
5. Make Art: Write, draw, hammer, make clay, garden, darn some socks – all these activities have a physical element that engages a different part of our brain. Even ten minutes gives us a reprieve from the onslaught of bad news…

I will finish with inspiration from the losing Japanese soccer team, whose fans not only cleaned the stadium, including the opposition fans’ seats, but also left the locker-room immaculately clean – with origami gifts on the bench. (A neat demonstration of Point 5 above)

For we are all losing now – how can we do so in a way that still leaves the world a better place than when we found it?

Let me know your secrets to navigating a world in collapse gracefully? I know I could do with the tips!

*Ke Garne = “What to do?” in Nepali

PS – Aside from spellcheck, no AI was used in the writing of this. Perhaps I should have – feedback welcome!